end it all... close cycles...

I am sitting outside my door...

Took a long drag of Gudang...

Heaved it all out...

And stared at the essay...

...

Yeah... He's right... "Things that has passed will never return."

Why am I still denying that something like this could happen...

It really could happen. When will I embrace that?

And, yes, I'm currently still at standstill.

Despite the fact that my family and friends see that I have been very strong through this ordeal.

Maybe because I don't want them to take pity on me on why I keep my world suspended while the rest of their lives are going on the way things should be.

I've made myself strong for my family, for my friends, for everyone around me.

But when I'm alone... Sitting outside my door... Taking a long drag of Gudang... and emptying my lungs I keep on thinking about the past and why I still can't understand the reason why this had to happen..

I remained strong for everyone but myself.

I always wish that every time I empty my lungs from the smoke, out comes with it the past that I should have long ago let go.

Because I want to start anew...

And because I want to now that I, too, am capable of finding happiness by myself...

That I can find happiness for myself...