Sand In-Between My Toes

Happy Feet

2007-09-25T00:10:00.000+08:00

Check this out... it's from my bes...

Love you, Du!

footWet: happy feet

Holding it in...

2007-09-06T17:50:00.000+08:00

am I crying for myself?

or

am I crying for my friend?

or

maybe...

just maybe...

i'm crying for both of us...

so confused...

unwilling to let go of the things that has been happening in between our lives...

and...

as I always say...

there's no other way to solve a problem but to brave through it.

Every Second Counts

2007-08-31T03:14:00.000+08:00

The past few days, I was feeing quite down. Bes forgot her cellphone at home... and my next resort was to talk to someone who doesn't know me... someone who would be my friend...

Someone like I***.

And this is what he has to say:

"I'll tell you another secret. Everytime I'm down, I just look at my
watch. Then I'll realize that everything will come to pass. That
every second counts. That time should [be] spent with the happy
moments..." (08.29.2007)

Since that day, I look forward to spend my time looking for my happy moment... or better yet, MAKING my happy moment!

HAPPY MOMENT (HM) #1: After a very long afternoon spent with my Mom not talking to me (I revealed something that I did that she clearly did not approve on), we cooked dinner together. Spending time in the kitchen with Mama did a lot of wonders. Ü

HM #2: The Nose sent an SMS early in the morning, telling me why he wasn't able to text back the night before. He learns fast! Ü And seeing this message upon waking up made me smile. Ü

HM #3: I was doing my I.V. Therapy Training completion; My friend and I were going in and out of the hospital wards to look for patients to do our procedures on ( I.V. insertion, IVTT meds administration and bloot transfusions). We were exhausted as we ate lunch. Happy Moment #3 happened when The Nose sent an SMS asking me how my first day of work was! (How sweet! Ü)

HM #4: In the afternoon, when my adrenalin and endorphin levels were low, Bes sent me a PM through YM, telling me how she misses me. (We share the same sentiments! Ü)

HM #5: I had my first I.V. insertion!!! And although it wasn't as good as I expected it to be, I had a clear line going. And the patient didn't complain! (How could she? She was on ETT! Ü)

HM #6: Mom and I went to SM Davao. I accompanied her as she collected payments for her customers accounts. We bought stuff for Papa, Lola, Mama and myself. I'm happy that Mama's happy. Ü

HM #7: Mom and I ate waffles on our way home. (Simple yet memorable! Ü) We were laughing about the fact that the waffle store didn't have any change for our money, and we had to rummage our wallets, purses, bags and pockets for coins... just to buy 2 waffles (one waffle for each of us). What a sight! Ü

HM #8: My BSN friends and I went out... had dinner and some few drinks. I realized how much I missed Anna, Janjan, Jhing and Kuya Velly. Getting together with them felt "homey". Ü

And the list can go on...

I felt so down that I forgot to remember that there could be numerous Happy Moments a person can accumulate in a span of 24 hours! (And the ones listed here are he most significant HAPPY MOMENTS that I could think of.

Each of us really has the capacity to find happiness in every big and small thing that we do. We just need to open our eyes and be aware that these happy moments are embedded in our daily lives.

Stay happy!!! Ü

§

Let the Nose Know Ü

2007-08-25T14:50:00.000+08:00

I have this ache in my heart right now...

And I don't know where it is coming from...

I just know that it is quite unusual for me to feel this way. Maybe because you started saying some things that made the non-sensical messages that we exchange into something more...
... confusing.

Maybe I am denying the fact that there could be something going on in this situation because both of us seem to be mending something that has been broken. And a lot of the people around us, whom we love and who loves us, keep on encouraging us to take things slow.

Go slow...
... and get to know each other...
... better.

Kudos to what you have been doing, though. You gave me another reason to smile. Even those simplest things that might have gone unnoticed.

░

D. K. I.

2007-08-22T13:59:00.000+08:00

Bakit ang dali sabihin ng "I LOVE YOU" sa isang kaibigan?

Paano if you often tell your friends those words... and then suddenly hindi mo na masabi sa isang particular friend... kasi, yung "I LOVE YOU" na sasabihin mo has a whole new meaning to it.

Hay.

Naku naman kasi...

D.K.I.

Because words evade me now...

2007-08-07T08:38:00.000+08:00

Tulak ng bibig, kabig ng dibdib

Di ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa iyo
Paikot-ikot lang, nalilito, oh ba’t ganito
Paggising sa umaga, ikaw ang nasa isip
Tulog sa gabi, laman ng panaginip
Mahal ba kita, o ano, ewan ko

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa iyo
Simula nang makilala di maipinta ngiti sa mata
Magdamag ang kwentuhan, kulitan, tawanan
Di ko maintindihan, bakit ngayon lang
Kung kelan ang puso ko ay maselan

Hindi mo lang alam
Takot lang akong masaktan
Iniingatan lang aking puso
Kung maiibibigay ko lang ang sinasabi mo
Di na sana tayo nagkakaganito
Pasensya ka na kung hanggang dito muna tayo

Di ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa iyo
Paikot-ikot lang, nalilito, oh ba’t ganito
Urong-sulong yan ang paborito
Lilitaw, lulubog, ‘tanong mo kahit sino
Pakisabi na lang
Ano ba talaga’ng gusto mong gawin ko

Pakiusap lang
Wag mo na akong tignan nang ganyan
Nakakatunaw ang iyong tingin
Hinay-hinay ka lang, mahina ang kalaban
Baka di na maiwasang mahulog nang tuluyan

Hindi mo lang alam
Takot lang akong masaktan
Iniingatan lang aking puso
Kung maiibibigay ko lang ang sinasabi mo
Di na sana tayo nagkakagulo-gulo
Pasensya ka na kung hanggang dito muna tayo
Hanggang dito na lang, hanggang dito na lang

Tulak ng bibig, kabig ng dibdib

-----

Tulak ng Bibig by Julianne

Anima Christi (Soul of Christ)

2007-08-07T08:31:00.000+08:00

Anima Christi, sanctifica me.
Corpus Christi, salve me.
Sanguis Christi, inebria me.
Aqua lateris Christi, lava me.
Passio Christi, conforta me.
O bone Iesu, exaudi me.
Intra tua vulnera absconde me.
Ne permittas me separari a te.
Ab hoste maligno defende me.
In hora mortis meae voca me.
Et iube me venire ad te,
ut cum Sanctis tuis laudem te
in saecula saeculorum. Amen.

I'm ready...

2007-08-05T23:53:00.000+08:00

Before the end of July, I was very apprehensive for August to come.

One of the countless reasons is the fact that August is the month that we used to celebrate our Anniversary. It would've been our 10th.

*Sigh*

It's a good thing that I have a very good friend who helped me through it.

I told him that I'm really over.

He insists that I'm half-baked, since this event is one of the things that may bring back memories.

-----

It didn't bring back either good or bad memories. I'm even surprised why I don't remember those memories (knowing that I am the type of person who is sappy and cheesy and romantic and all).

I was wondering if I have selective amnesia.

Well, I don't.

I'm just apprehensive for the approaching date.

-----

It's like

a deadline,

an exam that you haven't studied on,

an impromptu interview...
but you have that foresight that it is coming, yet you are unprepared for it.

-----

And the 1st of August came... I made it... And it made me laugh, looking back on how apprehensive I was for August to come.

-----

Tonight, I told my friend that if love comes (he calls it "destiny")... it's not something to rush for...

I think it should be like gourmet food. Since it is served in small portions, it must be savoured slowly.

-----

I can now safely and happily say,

"I am ready."

24-hour watch

2007-07-31T12:25:00.000+08:00

ewan ko ba.

hindi ko alam what's going through my head right now.

i was driving a few minutes ago, pabalik dito sa bahay.. and everytime i stop at a red light, my mind drifts...

i have thoughts of ramming the car towards the nearest traffic light post...

i turned the radio on to its maximum volume, looked for a hard rock music, just to drown these thoughts out.

and eventually, when the light turns green, i obligingly let the car trudge on slowly along with the traffic.

bat ganon?

hindi ko na alam ang mga feelings na nasa loob ng utak ko.

ayoko ng ganito.

pero, bat naiisip ko pa rin.

ayoko munang mag drive ng kotse for the next 48 hours...

:'(

On sewing what is torn...

2007-07-28T17:04:00.000+08:00

I really wonder how people can be so poetic when they have undergone some form of heartache... but when everything is fine, they can't seem to think of lines such as these:

tahiin ang pusong punit...
ng sinulid ng bagong pag-ibig...
(R**** O***** J******)
You know what, R****? Your statement somewhat rings a bell in my head. Hehehe...
But, dude, take things slow. I might not know the whole story of your heartache, but there really is no need to rush.

Believe me. Ü

Catch Me, Im Fallin'

2007-07-04T12:52:00.000+08:00

I'd like to say "Thank You" to Irene... Ü

-----

i don't know why but when i look in your eyes
i feel something that seems so right
you've got yours i've got mine
i think i'm loosing my mind
'cause i shouldn't feel this way

catch me i'm fallin for you
and i don't know what to do

how can something so wrong?
feel so right all along
catch me i'm falling for you
how can time be so wrong?
for love to come along
catch me i'm falling for you
how can love let it go
when it has no place to go
and i can't go along pretending
that love isn't here to stay
catch me i'm falling for you

if i could just walk away
without you floating today
i would die just thinking of you
i know we can't therefore be more than friends you and me
but why do i feel this way?

catch me i'm falling for you
and it's wrong for me to feel this way
'cause i don't know what to do without you
i'm falling for you...
Catch me i'm falling you
how can something so wrong?
feel so right all along
catch me i'm falling for you

-----

this song is for *******. ☼

-----

I don't intend to feel so cheesy right now... but I
guess that's just the way it is. Ü

Carpe Diem!

2007-06-14T04:54:00.000+08:00

LIFE is short.

So do the things that make you HAPPY,
but be RESPONSIBLE for the consequences of your actions;
Say what you WANT to say,
just be READY for other people's reactions.

At the end of the day,
it's NOT how much money we make that matters;
what matters is how much we LOVED
and how much we CARED.

Do not live your life with REGRETS
because of the things you didn't do,
the opportunities you passed,
and the words left unsaid.
It's better to have TRIED and FAILED,
or even get DISAPPOINTED;
than never knowing what could have been.

It's not always EASY
but it's better than wasting your TIME
thinking what might have been.

You might get HURT,
You might HURT someone.
But the SCARS will remind you
that you are WISER and STRONGER,
and that at least once in your life
you did something BRAVE
that made you who you are TODAY.

LEARN from yesterday's lessons,
LIVE today's events,
LOOK FORWARD to tomorrow's promise.

Life is short...SEIZE THE DAY.

Crucified (a.k.a. Totally Misunderstood)

2007-05-17T18:10:00.001+08:00

I was crying. Not for the love that we lost. I am over that now. I was crying because of how my friends think about what craziness I am currently doing.

He embraced me tight and reminded me that Jesus was crucified because He was misunderstood.

I felt that way last night. I felt I was totally misunderstood.

-----

I am happy.

Why can’t you accept that?

Why do you feel that staying at his place would make me feel more miserable? That I would revert to my heartaches again?

Don’t get me wrong… I am thankful for friends like you. I really am. But you worry so much on things that I myself don’t worry on.

I know it is difficult for you to understand that by being with him, staying at his place, dining out with him for the past few nights, is my way of ending the cycle that needs to be closed. I am sealing the past between us… as lovers. But one cannot seal the past between us as friends… as BEST friends.

The people I’ve talked with, the people around me and him, think that I accepted all of these too quickly. How can I possibly be happy at this moment when it has only been about four or five months since our breakup? How can I possibly say that I am okay that he has already found another person to love?

Would you rather that I stay miserable for a long time? As long as nine years, perhaps?

I don’t want to. And I don’t need to.

I can say that I am happy because I choose to be happy.

Happy for myself.

Happy for him.

Happy for her.

And I’ve never been happier this year.

-----

This is not bull@#$%, okay?

Even if you do a craniotomy right now, my brain would be screaming the same thing… that I am happy.

-----

We have been together for nine years. We have been best friends for more than that. When I look back and remember those nine years, I have no regrets. Within those nine years, we had very fond memories, we were happy, we complement each other. We reached out to each other. That is how I could describe it. I felt that everything is at its right place at the right time.

Then it gets ripped apart…

What I did was like taking these torn pieces, and then sewn together to form a magnificent quilt…

… of FRIENDSHIP.

-----

Please don’t crucify me for having done that. That was my way of moving on. That was my way of picking up the pieces of my broken dreams. That was my way of helping me out of the quicksand that I used to be in.

To each his own… I hear people say…

This is MY way.

-----

And I’ve never been happier this year.

Be A Lotus

2007-04-28T13:36:00.000+08:00

Confucius says – “BE A LOTUS” which means, no matter how ugly, how evil, and
how sinful everyone around you might become, do not allow yourself to be
stained. A lotus remains beautiful even as it lingers in the filthy waters
of the pond. Don’t be contaminated; do not be influenced by worthless
means. Remain radiant among the shadows of darkness. Be a lotus… it
has to start with one to fill the pond with more…

My dad told me that “I thrive in adversity.”

Do I?

I told him that at this moment, it may seem that way. But I would not want or like it that way all the time (or most of the time). That I’d also like to thrive in clear waters; since one can’t see well when the water you’re thriving on or swimming in is murky.

Well, I can’t deny that the beginning of 2007 had been murky. A break-up, some financial constraints, being physically present for my family yet being emotionally far away, and again being away from my family to prove to them that I know what I want and that is to get the job that I really, really dreamed of... and entailing the sacrifice of not being with them.

It’s almost midyear… I passed the NCLEX, I have a satisfactory band score in IELTS, and I can’t deny that fact that I’m still waiting for some more of those unexpected victories that I’m hoping and praying (and saying countless novenas) for…

Things are a bit clearer now. It’s not crystal clear though. But, it’s a start. It has to start with something somehow.

I really am thankful for my family who supports and loves me all the way (despite the fact that they sometimes get hurt and are constantly worried for their silently-rebelling daughter); I am thankful for my best friend, my manong, my confidante for knowing me and my qualms (and doing his best to understand the unexpected and twisted way my mind works); I am thankful for my friends for worrying about the things that I do, the things that I choose to go through, and the things that I insist on doing (because they feel that I might revert to feeling miserable all over again).

Soon, when the soil and sand settle – when everything falls into place – all the murkiness will turn clear…

-----

My dad told me that “I thrive in adversity.”

Do I?

Yes I do… and I’m being what Confucius reminds us to be…

A LOTUS!

f

2007-04-22T22:26:00.000+08:00

end it all... close cycles...

2007-03-24T02:00:00.000+08:00

I am sitting outside my door...

Took a long drag of Gudang...

Heaved it all out...

And stared at the essay...

...

Yeah... He's right... "Things that has passed will never return."

Why am I still denying that something like this could happen...

It really could happen. When will I embrace that?

And, yes, I'm currently still at standstill.

Despite the fact that my family and friends see that I have been very strong through this ordeal.

Maybe because I don't want them to take pity on me on why I keep my world suspended while the rest of their lives are going on the way things should be.

I've made myself strong for my family, for my friends, for everyone around me.

But when I'm alone... Sitting outside my door... Taking a long drag of Gudang... and emptying my lungs I keep on thinking about the past and why I still can't understand the reason why this had to happen..

I remained strong for everyone but myself.

I always wish that every time I empty my lungs from the smoke, out comes with it the past that I should have long ago let go.

Because I want to start anew...

And because I want to now that I, too, am capable of finding happiness by myself...

That I can find happiness for myself...

hong kong international airport

2007-03-13T01:41:00.000+08:00

its now 1:28am...

i know im too early for my flight...

its just that i checked-out a day early than my actual flight date/time... and im basically homeless... and ive considered the airport as the roof above my head for the moment...

i feel so ambivalent right now...

i came here to take an exam... i really was disappointed because i thought that i would be stopping at 75... at number 73, i was shaking... same with 74 and 75 and then i thought i'd stop... but i continued till 168...

at 165, i accepted my fate that i might go on until 265... but when i stopped at 168, and the screen turned grey, i felt that the mouse turned so hot that i hade to withdraw my hand completely from it... i was shocked...

oh well...

up to now, there are no results yet...

and im leaving hongkong...

oh my gosh...

i dont know... only me can help me...

'~'

on the other hand, i was able to visit my friend kris, had some chit-chats with her, caught up with whats happenin with our lives... and was able to go to mongkok, a shop-till-you-drop place (it wouldve been nice if i have something that i liked... had some extra HKDs, but didnt feel like buying anything)...

i also was able to go to ocean park, the victorias peak, madame tussauds, and the highlight --> disney.

i cried after watching the fireworks... everywhere i looked, there were families everywhere... mine is at home... and it wouldve been nice if my family was there too, to join me say "wow", "ooh", and "aah" at the show...

oh well...

better smell hong kong deeply now...

itll be quite long before i would be able to visit this islands again...

^_^

off to an unknown place

2007-03-06T22:59:00.000+08:00

ill be heading to a new phase in my life...

i still am uncertain of how things will turn out...

but i am positive and hopeful...

and i know that i'll be able to hold my head up high...

whatever the outcome may be...

and my prayer right now:

God, with Your help, let me courageously face whatever I'm afraid of.
(Linda Neukrug)

2007-02-28T23:52:00.000+08:00

Love has reasons that reason
cannot explain.

Nothing more to say... :-(

Equinox

2007-02-25T13:20:00.000+08:00

Living in a world
Where seasons change

Sun is blaring
Everyone heading
To the beach
To picnics
Basking in the warmth
Enjoying every bit
Getting bronzed
Playing with waves
Cooling with kisses

Living in a world
Where seasons change

Leaves are falling
Naked trees
Collecting reds
Collecting browns
Collecting oranges
Piling em up
Diving onto them
Wonderful silhouettes
Shadows playing in the light

Living in a world
Where seasons change

Cold feet and hands
Yet a wonderful feeling
Making snow angels
Throwing snowballs
Laughing heartily
Keeping warm
Tasty coffees
Bittersweet
Tastier hot chocolates
Burning tongue tips

Deep snow
Not what I expected
Got frostbite
Got numb
Mittens
Socks
Windbreakers
Ear muffs
Still no warmth

Living in a world
Where seasons change

Melting cold
Rain is falling
Starts to get warm

Now it's spring

Till It Happens To You

2007-02-18T19:38:00.000+08:00

By: Corinne Bailey Rae

I know, what I said
Was heat of the moment
But there’s a little truth
In between the words we've spoken
It’s a little late now
To fix a heart that’s broken
Please don’t ask me where I'm going
Coz I don’t know
No I don’t know anymore

It used to feel like heaven
It used to feel like May
I used to hear those violins playing
Our strings like a symphony
Now they've gone away

Nobody wants to face the truth
But you won’t believe what love can do
'Til it happens to you
'Til it happens to you

Went to, the old flyer
Guess I was trying to turn the clock back
How come that nothing feels the same
Now when I’m with you
We used to stay up all night
In the kitchen when our love was new
Oooh
Love, am I a fool to believe in you
Coz I don’t know
No I don’t know anymore

It used to feel like heaven
It used to feel like May
I used to hear those violins playing
Our strings like a symphony
Now they've gone away

Nobody wants to face the truth
Until their hearts broken
Don’t you dare tell them what you think to do
'Til they get over
You can only learn these things from experience
When you get older (when u get older you'll understand)
I just wish that someone would've told me

Peeling the feelings from my heart a little at a time...

2007-02-13T23:58:00.000+08:00

I had to call him up for the last time...

I had been very hopeful ever since I left, I thought that "WE" would still have a chance...

And I had to hear it from him, first hand, if we could still be together...

"I'm in-love with someone else." "I don't love you anymore." "Why are we still talking about this?"

I guess, with those sentences, it is quite clear that there would be no more "him and me".

-----

After our talk, I felt relieved.

Then, I did my laundry.

A ritual...

It may be doing laundry, or washing plates, or cleaning the bathroom... just to get the feel of soap and water in my hands. There is something in soap and water that makes me feel "cleansed" and "free" from whatever emotion that I am feeling during moments such as these.

-----

My Holidays was not what I had expected. It would be our 9th Christmas and New Year in this relationship. But we were having a rough time. I was very busy with my schedule, studying for an upcoming exam, feeling anxious with events that I wasn't expecting. His schedule was busy, too. With an upcoming year, a change in shifts and rotations, and with new duties and responsibilities to work on.

I was patient. I just thought that this rough spot in our relationship would be something that we can smooth over after this chaotic situation that both of us are in. I thought that we just needed the space between us because we are still adjusting with the things that are unexpectedly happening.

But I was wrong. Oh boy, I was totally wrong!

-----

It took me some time to feel something. I felt numb. I can't cry. I refuse to cry. I was hopeful. I want him back in my life. I was trying desperately to think of ways on how to get him back.

I was pathetic.

-----

Loving someone who are good to us is easy, but to love those who hurt us and do bad to us is something that goes against our very human nature. And before we can love them, we first have to forgive them, which in itself is a task difficult enough.

-----

Yet, because of the love that I had for him, and the companionship that we've shared for one-third of our lives, forgiving him -- albeit onerous -- was an achievement on my part.

And despite the hurt that I felt, I was thankful that something like this happened early in our lives, than having some dreams realized and then seeing them washed away like sandcastles along the shore.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE FREE?

2007-02-06T09:53:00.000+08:00

I feel that I am currently locked up in a feeling that I know I should be setting myself free from. I am lost. I am chained up. I can't move on.

It might be because I have been with him for 9 years and then suddenly I had to let go. So, I made a choice to let him go. A difficult choice, yes, but I know that it would be doubly difficult to stay in our relationship when it would mean that I, not WE, would think of ways to make it work.

I find myself refusing to look straight ahead. I'm stuck here... with thoughts and questions, and with no answers. And if they do have answers, I know that these answers would basically hurt me.

I am free from this relationship. I know this by now. But why do I find myself refusing to free myself with this feelings that I have for him?

When will I ever be free?

Simple Things...

2007-02-04T23:22:00.000+08:00

Sand In-between the Toes... Simple pleasures in life that we seldom see... and unconsciously brush off when we need to put our shoes back on... However, there are times, they tend to be irritating and make us feel uncomfortable... These tiny specks of sand... they need not be left unnoticed for so long...
-----
Welcome to my blog... ^_^ Read the ups and downs of my life... The sand in-between my toes...