end it all... close cycles...

I am sitting outside my door...

Took a long drag of Gudang...

Heaved it all out...

And stared at the essay...

...

Yeah... He's right... "Things that has passed will never return."

Why am I still denying that something like this could happen...

It really could happen. When will I embrace that?

And, yes, I'm currently still at standstill.

Despite the fact that my family and friends see that I have been very strong through this ordeal.

Maybe because I don't want them to take pity on me on why I keep my world suspended while the rest of their lives are going on the way things should be.

I've made myself strong for my family, for my friends, for everyone around me.

But when I'm alone... Sitting outside my door... Taking a long drag of Gudang... and emptying my lungs I keep on thinking about the past and why I still can't understand the reason why this had to happen..

I remained strong for everyone but myself.

I always wish that every time I empty my lungs from the smoke, out comes with it the past that I should have long ago let go.

Because I want to start anew...

And because I want to now that I, too, am capable of finding happiness by myself...

That I can find happiness for myself...

hong kong international airport

its now 1:28am...

i know im too early for my flight...

its just that i checked-out a day early than my actual flight date/time... and im basically homeless... and ive considered the airport as the roof above my head for the moment...

i feel so ambivalent right now...

i came here to take an exam... i really was disappointed because i thought that i would be stopping at 75... at number 73, i was shaking... same with 74 and 75 and then i thought i'd stop... but i continued till 168...

at 165, i accepted my fate that i might go on until 265... but when i stopped at 168, and the screen turned grey, i felt that the mouse turned so hot that i hade to withdraw my hand completely from it... i was shocked...

oh well...

up to now, there are no results yet...

and im leaving hongkong...

oh my gosh...

i dont know... only me can help me...

'~'

on the other hand, i was able to visit my friend kris, had some chit-chats with her, caught up with whats happenin with our lives... and was able to go to mongkok, a shop-till-you-drop place (it wouldve been nice if i have something that i liked... had some extra HKDs, but didnt feel like buying anything)...

i also was able to go to ocean park, the victorias peak, madame tussauds, and the highlight --> disney.

i cried after watching the fireworks... everywhere i looked, there were families everywhere... mine is at home... and it wouldve been nice if my family was there too, to join me say "wow", "ooh", and "aah" at the show...

oh well...

better smell hong kong deeply now...

itll be quite long before i would be able to visit this islands again...

^_^

off to an unknown place

ill be heading to a new phase in my life...

i still am uncertain of how things will turn out...

but i am positive and hopeful...

and i know that i'll be able to hold my head up high...

whatever the outcome may be...

and my prayer right now:

God, with Your help, let me courageously face whatever I'm afraid of.
(Linda Neukrug)