Peeling the feelings from my heart a little at a time...

I had to call him up for the last time...

I had been very hopeful ever since I left, I thought that "WE" would still have a chance...

And I had to hear it from him, first hand, if we could still be together...

"I'm in-love with someone else." "I don't love you anymore." "Why are we still talking about this?"

I guess, with those sentences, it is quite clear that there would be no more "him and me".

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After our talk, I felt relieved.

Then, I did my laundry.

A ritual...

It may be doing laundry, or washing plates, or cleaning the bathroom... just to get the feel of soap and water in my hands. There is something in soap and water that makes me feel "cleansed" and "free" from whatever emotion that I am feeling during moments such as these.

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My Holidays was not what I had expected. It would be our 9th Christmas and New Year in this relationship. But we were having a rough time. I was very busy with my schedule, studying for an upcoming exam, feeling anxious with events that I wasn't expecting. His schedule was busy, too. With an upcoming year, a change in shifts and rotations, and with new duties and responsibilities to work on.

I was patient. I just thought that this rough spot in our relationship would be something that we can smooth over after this chaotic situation that both of us are in. I thought that we just needed the space between us because we are still adjusting with the things that are unexpectedly happening.

But I was wrong. Oh boy, I was totally wrong!

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It took me some time to feel something. I felt numb. I can't cry. I refuse to cry. I was hopeful. I want him back in my life. I was trying desperately to think of ways on how to get him back.

I was pathetic.

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Loving someone who are good to us is easy, but to love those who hurt us and do bad to us is something that goes against our very human nature. And before we can love them, we first have to forgive them, which in itself is a task difficult enough.

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Yet, because of the love that I had for him, and the companionship that we've shared for one-third of our lives, forgiving him -- albeit onerous -- was an achievement on my part.

And despite the hurt that I felt, I was thankful that something like this happened early in our lives, than having some dreams realized and then seeing them washed away like sandcastles along the shore.